My name is Adilene, and I am one of the Facilitators at Breaking the Silence NM. I am one of the people tasked with standing in front of audiences and talking to them about mental health. How did I get here?
It’s a long story, but I want to share a snippet of it with you.
Whenever I gaze out into our students’ faces, I see myself in them. I was around 12 years old when I noticed my mental health was not “normal.” From this age forward, several challenges came up. I noticed that it was unbelievably hard for me to talk to people and be seen by them, which is a bit funny now that I am a public speaker. I was hyperaware of my own behavior and of those around me, making it hard to think straight. I would catastrophize and circle around the same subject for hours. All these symptoms started to manifest physically as well. I felt it a lot in my breathing, where I felt like any number of breaths I took weren’t enough. This meant I was constantly lightheaded. My stomach was always hurting; hot flashes would consume me. I was scared. I was so scared that I thought it would be best to ignore it all and hope it’s a phase.
Yeah right.
All this dismissal meant that things kept piling up. They would eventually explode, at the most inconvenient times, showing up as anxiety attacks. My family was bewildered. Why was I hyperventilating over going to catechism? It was hard to put into words the feeling of terror that crowds of people gave me. In a Mexican immigrant household, being strong, hardworking, and optimistic are a given. To this day, I feel the weight of my ancestors heavy on my shoulders. I feel deeply indebted to the people that got me to where I am now. Their journeys were not easy. With all this in mind, it was hard to admit that my life did not feel like the American Dream. I felt guilty about not being happy, when I had so many opportunities that my relatives never got to see. It felt silly to be afraid of people when my family faced so much worse. “Mija ya ni yo, que tuve que dejar mis costumbres atras.” I know they tried to wrap their minds around it, but how can you when you’re in their position? They also never received any sort of psychoeducation like what we provide at BTSNM.
Today, I can acknowledge that I am in a very privileged position, while also validating my ongoing mental health journey. I feel that my family and I have grown in understanding and learned from each other. I see that while our culture can be isolating for those with a mental illness, it can also be a source of comfort, full of warmth and hope. “Échale ganas, que sea lo que Dios quiera.” I try to remind myself that, while my path is different from that of those who came before me, it is just as unpredictable and new. I am the first to be on this horizon. It is an honor to be able to share my mental health experiences with others.
On that note, I will end by sharing a scene I drew from the movie Under the Same Moon. This was created using colored pencils and ink on cardboard. Art has always been one of my forms of self-care. When words fail me, I know I can sit down and let my hands do the work. It’s a way to distract myself while also ending with a feeling of accomplishment. With this piece in particular, I found myself thinking about how cultural and community ties are also self-care.
Colored pencils and ink on cardboard, 2023. Adilene Martinez Lopez, BTSNM Facilitator.
